Highly Suspect

.. ok.. I got a job now.

goodnight

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Must provide entry text.

oh.. right.

So this is how I spend my time, sitting. a lot. first I look at job boards. then I look at used cars to try and encourage myself to get a job. then I look for jobs again. then I might make some phone calls if there's anyone to call. then I probably cry for a bit, who knows. then I look at video games I want to buy to encourage myself some more. then I look for jobs. UHG

greetings from space...

<td align="center"> Dejos --
[adjective]:

Sexually stunning

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

<td align="center"> Dejos --
[adjective]:

Fuzzy to the touch

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

or apparently I'm a dance involving little or no clothes... score 1 for the big guy. =)

yup... it's official. I'm depressed.

maybe that's why I'm on lj. slit my wrists emo madness and all. or so they tell me.

it's that sick to your stumach fear/depression sort of thing. still trying to keep positive I guess. dunno what to do... just sort of sitting here with myself. like I always do. no doubt that has a lot to do with my mood. the only person I see is myself. now, I dunno about you but I don't find myself to be very good company. especialy since me and myself aren't talking right now. so it's hard to carry on good conversations. but once we do start talking to ourselves again.. I think it's going to be ugly. I may even be force to start my own fight club. who knows.

just hit me recently that I'm probably not going back to Grand Rapids... maybe ever. I dunno. BAH!

ANT-220-B INTRO TO ARCHAEOLOGY 4.0 I 0.0 0.0 0.00
COM-101-D CONCEPTS COMMUNICATION 3.0 C+ 3.0 3.0 6.90
COM-371-B MEDIA AND SOCIETY 3.0 C+ 3.0 3.0 6.90
HST-203-G SWS WORLD HST TO 1500 3.0 F 0.0 3.0 0.00

Grade Point
Average

Current Term Academic Statistics 1.533 6.0 9.0 13.80
Cumulative Statistics thru 2007 WINTER 1.613 52.0 24.0 38.70

Academic Status at End of Term DISMISSAL

GARDFREAKINGGOSHDARNIT!! (I need to watch my mouth in my parents house)

I HATE JOB HUNTING.

so my options are pretty much this

a) Sales clerk at the fancy paper store
b) Costco slave labor
c) bouncer at the gay club

or male stripper at the fatties fetish club =O

so... yea.
I feel ill.
I want to sleep
but I need a job

I have two doc apts this week
I want to just sleep
please let me sleep
aaaaahhhhh

mmmm hoooome

I'm going to miss my friends =(

I'm not ready to go home.. and I don't want to stay here. I dunno. I'm going to go nuts maybe.

I filled this out for a friend of mine... I think I'm supposed to repost it so they can fill it out as well for me.

Would/will you?
[_] give me ya digitz?_______________
[_] come to my house to do nothing at but chill?
[_] fight me?
[_] f**k me?
[_] kiss me?
[_] lick me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] let me lick you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] go out to dinner with me?
[_] let me drive you somewhere?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] drink with me?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
[_] be down with me no matter what?
[_] go to prom with me?

D0 Y0U...
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im serious?
[_] think im a good person
[_] think im conceided?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle with me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
[_] think I can fight?
[_] want to *Do* me?
[_] think I would do you?


AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] romantic?
[_] a *freak*?
[_] gangsta?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] trustworthy
[_] compassionate?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] well known?


HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about hooking up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished I were there?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?
[_] wanted to see my private part?
[_] looked at my page more than ten times?


ARE Y0U...
[_] happy you know me?
[_] horny?
[_] thinking about me?
[_] wanting to call me to talk about these things?
[_] going to repost this?

so.. it's maybe a week later. maybe it's just a few days. time is really sort of subjective. Just want to let my friends know, I'm actually pretty good now. I know my last lil post sounded quite dreadful. so yea, I didnt off myself in a fit of righteous indignation or ill minded sickness induced stupidity. nope, right now.. I'm sitting calmly munching on some popcorn with the brother of my brother in law abusing the hell out of my moms couches and watching Second Hand Lions. which I think is a movie I quite enjoy.

it's quiet and pleasent.. but rest assure I wish I with you. not because you're better or because you're what I need. but because you're my friend and very dear to me. and yes I'm a sap, deal with it. I assume that if you're my friend you already know that about me. I am an emotional wreck of a man and hardly fit to bear the title male. or more fit. one of those, you can decide. it's probably just as subjective as time is.

couple notes to friends,

Jenn and Meghan, Sorry if I made you worried dears. I'm not a complete fool, but I was feeling damn sickly. I'd certainly never take off anywhere without consulting you two first =) I hope you're both having a fantastic evening.

Brena, question! is it to n's or just the one? I suppose it must be just the one as everyone else seems to use it that way. I believe I have a raincheck with you I intend to cash before school lets out *wink wink* just kidding. Happy birthday!

Thom!! Conditional Congratulations! I have no doubts that you will meet all stipulations.

Ben, you moron! you're not allowed to pick out any more movies.

Michael C, sorry again for being such an ass =( I can change! I promise! Happy Birthday

Kim! smooches! and my town is bigger than your town! we need more qdoba hot dates. that stuff was good. or something else would be good next time. Rebecca was hot =) thanks for lending the movie to me.

Old Michael.. no.. I think calling you old was pretty much all I wanted to do.

People that I'm forgetting, I still love you.. I just dont have any inspirational messages or insults to toss at you at 2am. sorry =(

I really like this movie. Have I mentioned that? I think I might have. Secondhand lions is quite good. Feel good movie of the night that's for sure.
.......
some minutes later
....
what was I talking about? ah no matter.. my heart is brimming with love for people. at least for my friends. the rest of the world can be real assholes. and there's the special flame I keep stoked for my future wife.. wherever she may be.

later folks

my temp os 97.9 =O

I want to puke but I don't need to... =(

so.. it's monday morning. 7am. I'm in a cold sweat and my head is tingling and I want to die.

I feel scared. lonely. sad. anxious. and sick.

it took me most of the night to figure out why I feel this way. I think I'm under a massive anxiety/depression attack. It's really bad. I think it's probably related to school. but.. I can feel it starting to take total control. I'm going to force myself through my presentation tomorrow but I don't know if I can do it. I have a cold knot in the pit of my stumach. God I want to cry so much right now.

Getting drunk friday was a bad choice. I think it's what weakened me enough for this mood to take such a strong hold. Those who know me know I've struggled with depression for a really long time and that I've been managing pretty well lately. but with school stresses and a couple personal issues.. I think I'm falling apart. it's only a few more weeks but I'm not sure I can make it really. I'm shaking right now as I type. I want to tell myself that I'm still recovering from friday and that I'm fatigued. and maybe that's part of it. but I know.. I'm beaten down pretty hard. my fatigue is more than just physical.

I'm not writing this so people will feel sorry for me but because I need to write right now so that I can try and focus myself enough to pull through today. God, if you see me today... no.. I dunno. I don't think anyone can really do much to help me. If I told my parents.. I dunno. I'll call my dad today I guess. maybe. Last time I was like this they put me on medication. I don't want to do that again. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to smile and not be faking it you know.

I know right now that my presentation is going to bomb. Our group just didn't put in the kind of effort and time that is required for something like this. I want to blame them for it all but I haven't really put the kind of effort I should have into it either. I hope I can bullshit it but I just don't know if I can. I'm worried I might pass out.. I dunno. it's not good right now.

keep me in your prayers

(14:21:21) NUKEDAN1: what is teh 'dejos' up to?
(14:21:55) TheNakedEmperor: teh dejos is talking to a girl =) what's teh dan doing?
(14:22:40) NUKEDAN1: drawing a sword that is probably going to become the most powerful (and easily the most intimidating) weapon in the game.
(14:23:43) TheNakedEmperor: so proud of you *teary eyes* my lil boy is all grown up
(14:23:52) NUKEDAN1: :-)
(14:23:55) NUKEDAN1: thanks 'dad'.
(14:24:26) TheNakedEmperor: now now son. you know I don't like that word. call me pops =)
(14:24:49) NUKEDAN1: i'll POP you!
(14:26:00) TheNakedEmperor: noooo my cheeerrrrryyyy!
(14:26:14) NUKEDAN1: sigh
(14:26:25) NUKEDAN1: *wipes the blood off of his hands*
(14:26:29) NUKEDAN1: it's a dirty job....
(14:26:32) NUKEDAN1: *shrugs*
(14:27:45) TheNakedEmperor: ewwwww
(14:29:15) NUKEDAN1: sheez, you're telling me....it has the consistancy of cow vomit.
(14:29:20) NUKEDAN1: falling off in clumps...
(14:29:24) NUKEDAN1: disgusting.
(14:30:02) TheNakedEmperor: ....
(14:30:28) NUKEDAN1: *takes the elbow high gloes off and throws them away*
(14:30:38) NUKEDAN1: sheezus DJ, what have you been putting up there? dead animals?
(14:30:45) NUKEDAN1: i mean, look how far i had to reach...
(14:31:26) NUKEDAN1: and i swear...*has a gerbil's ribcage in his hand*....if i find one more of these things in early 20's virgin's....it'll be too soon!
(14:31:31) NUKEDAN1: *chucks the gerbil ribcage*
(14:31:47) TheNakedEmperor: nooo! my pets!
(14:31:57) NUKEDAN1: *cringes*
(14:31:59) NUKEDAN1: god...
(14:32:13) TheNakedEmperor: ... is my gold fish in there too? *bends over*
(14:32:23) NUKEDAN1: *pulls out another glove*
(14:32:24) NUKEDAN1: sigh.
(14:32:30) NUKEDAN1: *pulls up his surgery mask*
(14:32:34) NUKEDAN1: lemme look.
(14:32:39) NUKEDAN1: *goes elbow deep*
(14:32:42) NUKEDAN1: 'pulls out'
(14:32:47) NUKEDAN1: *shakes head*
(14:32:51) NUKEDAN1: sorry, no goldfish.
(14:33:00) NUKEDAN1: *throws that glove away*
(14:33:03) NUKEDAN1: okay!
(14:33:04) NUKEDAN1: i'm done.
(14:33:56) TheNakedEmperor: .. but.. what about my action figures collection? AND THE HOTWHEELES CARS!
(14:34:09) NUKEDAN1: walks out of the room.

--gross huh?

(16:32:35) 22711417: *blinks*
(16:33:56) 22711417: allo?
(16:36:47) PUNK NOT DEAD.: RUSSIA
(16:38:32) 22711417: in mother russia.. car drive you!
(16:39:25) 22711417: who am I talking to?
(16:39:33) 22711417: and why isn't punk dead? I really must knkow
(16:41:20) 22711417: hello?
(16:41:33) 22711417: I miss your beautiful capslocking of country names
(16:42:56) PUNK NOT DEAD.: MY naim is Sanek
(16:43:20) 22711417: Hi, I'm DJ. how did you get my ICQ Number?
(16:45:30) PUNK NOT DEAD.: POISON
(16:46:23) 22711417: DECIDUOUS FOREST
(16:56:34) PUNK NOT DEAD.: U.S.A
(16:57:29) 22711417: oh? are we back to country names? uhmm.... UTAH.. no wait.. that's a state. uhm... oh I got one. NEW ZEALAND!
(17:02:42) PUNK NOT DEAD.: êðóòî!!!!!!!!!!!!!!8-)
(17:03:10) 22711417: are you ok?
(17:06:19) 22711417: maybe you should have a drink of water and try this from the top.
(17:06:32) 22711417: Is Sanek a mans name?
(17:06:52) *** PUNK NOT DEAD has logged out

(12:17:05) archiecA2: you know, you're a pretty interesting fella if viewed from the best angle ... you need a sign that says "this side up" :-P
(12:17:23) TheNakedEmperor: lol. what do you mean?
(12:17:47) archiecA2: you always think of yourself not having enough to show for yourself when really you do
(12:18:28) archiecA2: it's just not apparent depending on the angle you take evaluating yourself
(12:19:22) TheNakedEmperor: ... ok. but.. "hey I'm a super nerd who knows a few interestiong people" doesn't exactly attract girls to you
(12:20:09) archiecA2: that's not the point
(12:22:39) archiecA2: I'm just saying you're like a prism
(12:22:57) archiecA2: gotta get the right angle and it's really cool
(12:23:24) TheNakedEmperor: otherwise I'm a useless piece of glass?
(12:23:35) archiecA2: no silly
(12:23:40) TheNakedEmperor: lol
(12:23:58) archiecA2: just take the encouragement comma dammit
(12:24:01) archiecA2: :-P
(12:24:31) TheNakedEmperor: lol, alright I'll try arch but no promises.

found out my parents have been reading my blog...

I don't think they REALLY want to know much of what's on here...

nor would they like to know that dj has very little in the way of body hair now!! =P

and on that note.. WE DANCE!

so I get picked up and go some 90 miles to go see a doctor.... only to have him tell me "you're going crazy. and your body wants sex. there's nothing I can do to help you... unless you think being a eunuch sounds pleasent"



.................................... and that's why I'm angry

I'd like to let people know... if the only thing you eat in a day is about 4 slices of cheesecake and lots of espresso, you're looking for a night of pain and suffering. =( I needed a hug.

I really miss having someone to snuggle with. There's no one here I can hug and just cling to. blah.. I'm not even sure I should have someone like that. I don't think I can do that without forming some sort of crazy yearning to want to be with that person. And since we all know no one wants to date dj (they only like him for his wiley charm and his ability to be a friend without having the guts to pursue a relationship. ... ..... dan loves me though! too bad he doesn't have breasts... and no penis.. and... crap... I don't think he'd really be a great match for me afterall.... which reminds me.. I need to punch him the next time he tries to grope me. =P)

what was I talking about before I went all gay there? oh.. right, girls. DANG YOU WOMEN!

I had a talk with Jen the other night about how I really have these rediculous expectations of finding a girl who wants to get married someday and then dating her while she knows that at sometime I might realize she doesn't want marriage as badly as I do and I'll leave her. Jen said I was cruel. What if I fell in love with a girl who wasn't interested in marriage? Sounds like that could be complicated. It's hard enough having a crush on almost every girl I know right now. yea.. so basically.. if you're a girl and you don't have a boyfriend, I have a crush on you! so.. face the facts!... crap.. lost my train of thought again.

My goals in life are very very simple, and this is why I'm so focused on finding a relationship. I'll lay it out in a simple to understand numbered list. it goes "thusly"

1, Get Married
2, Have hot crazy sex
3, Excel in career and find stability
4, Have hot crazy insane sex
5, Have kids
6, Have hot crazy insane kinky sex
7, Raise kids to be the kind of people who want to better the world they live in
8, Have I mentioned sex yet?
9, insert travel the world into any place it fits before or after marriage
10, Manage to avoid losing my mind

that's all I really want out of life. I'd add further my relationship with God in there somewhere but... that's more of a thing I'm never going to stop doing and it doesn't go on my goals list because it's so all consuming. I dunno

I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore

considering my last post this might seem a bit odd...

Lately I've been taking a lot of flak from my friends, both in real life and those I know on the internet, for being a virgin. Is it really that much of a crime to not want to have sex until you're married? I've been accused of being a closet gay, a right wing christian nutcase (which might be true, but I'm not sure it really matters since I know plenty of christians who don't really care for virginity either) oh.. and they also tell you that you must have a small penis if you're a virgin. how they figure that I have no idea. whatever...

It's a decision that I made a long time ago that has been called into question several times over the past couple years. Either because I'm weakening in my resolve or because my resolve is being tested. Sometimes it's really hard to remind myself what my reasons are and sometimes they make no sense to me. What's the point? Sex is to be enjoyed! But, I dunno. I talk alot about how my greatest goal in life is to be a husband and a father. And when I get married... I want to be hers entirely. To be hers like I've never been for any other woman in my life. In my mind, I feel like I'm cheating on my future wife. My virginity isn't mine, it belongs to her. I just happen to be holding it for the time being, and I'd best take good care of it for her. I don't know who she is, but I think she'll be grateful that I'm doing my very best to do this for her. I hope she appreciates and understands the trials I go through for this. Because, sometimes... every single day is pain and I just want to explode.

For me, it's not a question of religion, yes this idea stems from the belief that this what God would want me to do, but more and more I'm convinced that it just makes more sense this way. You don't get these things back, the connections you make during sex are strong and psychologically permanent. You are building emotional patterns that can destroy any future relationship you have...

I don't know what to tell my friends, and I don't know where to find people who will support me and keep me strong... but... that's where I am... blah blah blah blah

in other news..
I am worth $2,391,740 on HumanForSale.com